I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
