dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
