I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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