We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize