Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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