Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
