I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
