How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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