I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
