my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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