went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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