ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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