after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
