it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
