she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
