Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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