she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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