Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
