Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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