My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
