His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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