my phone needs a breathalizer
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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