I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched