I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?