someone threw a dead crab at me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
