there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
