Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
