Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dick very happy bro
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