It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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