My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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