ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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