I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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