My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
