Someone shit on the floor
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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