as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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