I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
