cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I touched a dick in church today
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
