walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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