Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
