if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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