happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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