Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
