Duck Duck Cougar?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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