I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
