Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
3 2 1 whiskey
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
