wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
