Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
