Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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