The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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