Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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