Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
