FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
