The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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