And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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