Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?