i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
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idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
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for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.