we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
